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You can't turn a ho into a housewife

Why would you want to fix what ain't broke?

W&H: "You can't turn a ho into a housewife."

Miss Lovely: "Yes you can!"

Might as well try to turn a manho into a husband lol. I speak from experience. Or try to turn a housewife into a ho.

I drive over to visit my 21-year-old preggie friend, Miss Lovely (the "retired" callgirl/stripper/pornstar), to get her BF a free cellphone (Obamaphone/Bushophone). And to take her BF to sign up for food stamps (like Walmart employees, US soldiers and 30-million illegal aliens).

I phone her cell to ask permission to enter her apartment. No point in knocking on the door. Never know what or who she's doing, you know...

ML: "Give me five minutes pls."

Hmmmm.... Watching for customers leaving out the front door...no back door.

ML five minutes later: "Come on in."

No customer, for a change.

Dang, BF is gone to work today! Hate it when that happens... I even forgot to bring my lube and vibrator! Didn't even shave...anywhere.

Five days clean, a new world record! She's looking mighty fine, in her state of undress. Lookin better every day...in that hot pink pushup bra I bought from Victoria's Secret.

I promptly fix myself a hotdog in her kitchen -- food that I provided the midnight before, since their foodstamps were already maxed out (along with her favorite grocery store gift judgin by the smile on her face -- feminine douche). She promptly makes me do the dishes I mussed up. Damn, I hate it when a woman gets dominatrix training. I guess that's why her nipples are hard?

She discusses her doctor appointments this week. She really wants to induce labor early, to reduce risk of relapse before she can get on seboxyn opiate blockers. So she studied all the recommended ways women induce labor naturally -- walking (too much work), stair climbing (too much work), various foods (too much work), massage pressure points (above the heel, inner thigh, foot massage, nipple massage...), fucking (not too much work, for her, when doggie style, as we prefer...). Enlightening conversation!

"I volunteer to induce labor, anytime you want." Referring to our last week's date of mad fucking and sucking, when she went into false labor...

"That's the last time I'm having sex before the baby comes," she promised... (I've heard that before.)

She throws on some pants and we hit the road to the homeless shelter. Because every homeless person needs a cellphone, to call other homeless people. At least my homeless callgirl has a new home courtesy of W&H.

BF is too confused by the paperwork, so Miss Lovely does the deed to give her submissive man a new leash.

Next stop, tatertots. While munching on burgers and shakes, I ask what's her biggest complaint about BF.

"He's bitchy."

"Yeah, I've noticed that."

"Part of that is just playing around, but it seems related to his drug use." (as in, he's happier doing drugs, otherwise he's got Dry Drunk Syndrome)

"Yeah, I worry about that when you go on prescription opiates, or give it all up for good. He's gonna have a hard time with that. He's already said he doubts you can turn it around...like he hopes you won't."

"You may be right about that..."

She complains of a headache, so I massage her lovely neck and shoulders... She relaxes with a smile... I meet zero resistance...

"How much money did you make as a callgirl?"

"At least $200,000, perhaps $300,000. I really have no idea, except I was spending up to $400 a day on dope." ($400/day x 365 days/year = $146,000/year...)

"The drug dealers sure got rich. At least you have two small bags of clothing to show for it lol."

"Yeah, it's time for a change..."

Time to go home and wait for BF to get off work. Maybe watch a movie?

We roll in and go inside. No BF. But BF keeps a clean house.

We discuss the various things ex-hookers and their ex-customers discuss with too much time on their hands.

I joke, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife."

She replied too quickly, "Yes you can!" (as in YOU = ME?, She = BF? or a hypothetical ho??)

She plops down on her Daddy's couch in front of the free big-screen TV. She plays some old DVD on loan from her sugargranddaddy.

She looks really tired, two weeks from giving her first childbirth. But in a hot way.

I ask if she still has that headache? Yes, in fact, she does. I walk over to the couch and begin massaging her neck and temples. Then her hair and scalp. Then her shoulders...

The neighbors are walking past her open screen door as I fondle their friend's GF. She asks me to shut the door. I lock it. Back to the massage.

We discuss the pros and cons of AMP massage. I tell her a bedtime story about my ATF AMP full-service girl, a happy lady with loud and beautiful laughter, though I did get jealous when she was with another, while I was getting serviced in another room. My massage and happy ending reduced the jealousy somewhat. I once asked my AMP girl if she wanted to get married someday, and what she looks for in a man? She replied, "I just want a man to give me all his attention." Hmmm, good advice with any woman. One day, she was not laughing, and I noticed she had burns on her boobies. "Just a kitchen spill," she answered. Definitely not feindish torture from the Korean mafiya. I kissed her boobies to make it better. She asked me to fuck her bareback. I never saw her again after that. So perhaps I have a Korean kid that got my girl out of the game?

Miss Lovely asks if an AMP would do doubles? I reply sure, took the ex-wife to one once, just a massage. I suggest we go to an AMP on datenight sometime, my treat? "Then we can go home and fuck." She asks if they might give her a happy ending too? "Why not? Or you could just watch me get one lol." I continue the neverending massage.

She nods off to dreamland. REM. I continue. After about 20 minutes her ringtone screams profanities from a rap song. After the second call she's wide awake. No mention of who its from... She turns it off. Off...

"Will you rub my back?" the preggie begs.

Who am I to turn her down?

I continue the massage, hitting all the right spots as she lounges in Daddy's recliner.

"Will you rub my feet with the lotion?" (I brought the day before so BF can perhaps make an effort to prevent further hideous stretch marks.) Hmmmm... "I'm hitting two of the forbidden trigger points to induce labor..." We laugh.

I begin massaging her calves and thighs... Gotta hit those next two trigger points. She melts...

I prefer when a massage therapist hits my erogenous zone "by accident". I return the favors.

[insert gratuitous image here]

After about 45 minutes of this cock-n-cunt tease, somehow I (got) maneuvered into position to massage the next trigger points...her boobies. I reach inside her Victoria's Secret and massage her tired muscles. Accidentally brushing her rock-hard nipples. To get a better feel for the situation, I pull each large firm breast from its tethers and lick softly. She exhales loudly and begins to moan. I lick and suck for several long minutes, enjoying her sounds of appreciation. She glances at the door with each sound from outside, adding to the thrill of the chase.

I begin rubbing her cunt through her soft jeans. Soon i'm pulling off her denim preggies, with her enthusiastic assistance -- no zipper or buttons -- how convenient! She's glancing at the door, mentally calculating the odds of BF coming home early... She doesn't know what I have in store for her... We've certainly discussed me "taking her" without asking, and without paying, something she says she is 100% ready for, both when I'm pounding her wet cunt as she screams in orgasm, or calmly discussing our options the next morning. It's a GO!

When her pants and panties are fully removed (yanked off), she lays back on the leather sofa, as I go down on her shaved pussy. Tasty, as always. Only this time, no opiates, no 1.5-hour marathon. Just five minutes to hot screamin orgasm. At least she didn't squirt all over the couch...she might've had some 'splainin' to do!

ML: "You planned to seduce me!" (giggles)

"No, it just happened, I swear," I smirked and lied. "You seduced me!"

"No I didn't," she lied often.

"What would BF say if he walked in on us?" I inquired.

"I don't think he would like it."

"Would he freak out?"

"Probably." (even though we've fucked in there before, with his knowledge and relative "consent", as a paying customer to buy him off with cash to buy dope)

"There's a lot of pressure on guys when they care about somebody. How about the other guys who are in love with you? There's always risk of that going bad. How many guys are in love with you?"

"Five (or more -- now she only fucks guys who love her). They SAY they're in love with me. They don't even know me. They're just in lust. I've never been in love before, even with my BFs." (That will change when the opiates are permanently out of her system, if that day ever comes.) I'm the only one who says with a devilsih smile, "I love you 'as a friend'..."

This includes her grandpasugardaddy and former housemate -- who fled her apartment the day before, after BF flipped him off ("mistaken identity"), swearing he'd never return. Same sugardaddy who went to the loonybin after deaththreating BF and trying to off himself.

W&H: "You can't turn a ho into a housewife."

Miss Lovely: "Yes you can!"

We "hang out" (smirk) a little while longer, I wash all her dishes. I suspect it gets her HAWT (like her submissives licking her filthy feet or the toilet bowl clean). Then it's time for me to leave for a prior engagement. BF still not home. Thank you God.

We go outside as she smokes the smokes I bought her, and discuss our first play date WITHOUT PAYMENT. Unless you count the $200 invested this week on various baby and household items, of course. Same as any 'normal' relationship.

"See you tomorrow for your OB appointment."

"Thank you!"

Fookin 'ell! What a pleasant way to spend a day... No labor in hospital required!

And I think if I want a housewife who has the fun friendly personality of a nude model, stripper, escort or porn star, with a dazzling smile and devilish sense of humor, Miss Lovely would make a lovely Mrs Whores & Hookers! lol

But every husband tries anyway


After driving her to an OB who painfully molested her vagina the next day (why does every woman and her man let a man dr do that?), we got some more tots.

The conversation included the infamous untold mystery of the universe:

W&H: So what about my question, "You can't turn a ho into a housewife?"

ML: "Yes you can! But it's not up to the guy."

"For starters, we just had sex in your home you share with your BF, who's (probably) the father of your unborn baby.

"He knows we've had sex." (smile)

"Did you tell him we had sex yesterday while he was at work?"

"No." (wicked smile)

Second, you say you don't believe in marriage.

Third, you say you have never been in love, and you aren't in love with your BF.

"I've been in love before, with my first BF for 3 years."

"Yeah, but he got you hooked on heroin at 13 and went to prison for dealing, and he fucked your MILF mom(!), then you hated his guts. Which is pretty much what happened every time I was in love, it always ended badly. But at least it was fun while the good lasted, just more intense than normal."

"It proves I can be monogamous."

"So staying off drugs is the key, and probably the key for 90% of hoes?"

"Pretty much. But that's the hard part."

"So what does your BF have to do to turn you into a housewife?"

  1. "He has to have enough income so I don't have to work to pay all the bills."
  2. "He has to do all the housework. But after the baby comes I'm sure I'll start doing more."
  3. "No drugs."
  4. "Not be negative all the time."
  5. "Like to have fun."
  6. "Be great in bed, of course, and take care of my needs," she didn't say. Because I'm the only one to ever do that...
  7. "He can't be married to someone else," she forgot to say about her BF.
  8. "He can't cheat on me, unless we share -- women only, and I'm very picky, they have to be hot," she often says. (Holy shit! SCORE!!!)

BF: 2

W&H: 6


"You know your BF is married, don't you?" I ask rhetorically.

"Ha." (nods her pretty head)

"I was divorced when I met you. You were my first fuck after the divorce a month before," I generously offered.

(she smiled)

"I was monogamous for many years, so long as my needs are met. Sex three days a week, minimum, with the occasional marathon or surprise. You know, hooking is just dating. More like speed-dating or blind dates. I've had many blind dates and 1-night-fucks, some good, some bad, often forgetting their names years later. Callgirls and hobbyists sometimes get married and settle down together, as happens on the escort website we met on," I hypothesize.

In another part of the conversation today:

ML: "I dreamed about you last night. I was very angry with you! In my dream you were late picking me up, making me very late for my doctor appointment."

"I'm honored to be in your dream, but I wish it were a more important roleplay. We were only 2 minutes late for the OB today. But that technically gives you ESP or premonitions or something."

"I've had premonitions before..."

Our final part of the conversation, while we were picking up BF from work, was us making arrangements for me giving her another "two-hour massage" the next morning, while BF was at work. She was desperately enjoying my in-car neck massage, while the rest of her body was writhing in "preggie aches and pains". "We can test out your new massage table I just gave you," which she smiled about.

"I'm very busy tomorrow, but I'll work you in if you text me in the morning," I offered her my exclusive orgasm services.

After picking up BF, we discussed the next OB appointment I was making a sacrifice to drive her to.

Her final words in front of BF, "I'll be texting you later...I'll be texting you later...I'll be texting you later..." Repeated 3x for emphasis in front of her BF...as if in a hypnotic trance...WTF?! I didn't mean to trigger her MPD/DID, though I appear to experience it often. Or are the personalities merging on their own?

I never got that text before going to bed...

That night, I dreamed ML texted that BF was taking her somewhere the next day. Thus no temptation for her inviting me over for my offered two-hour "massage" while he was at work, and implying she no longer required my driving or "other" services...

All's fair in love and war and lucid dreaming....

EPILOG: 3 days later, BF discovered my KY lube in his bag of supermarket goodies I paid for. Note that his "lesbian" GF tells him no sex for 3 months... A couple minutes later, with an odd look on his face he randomly quotes the title to this blog thread... I soon warned Miss Lovely that BF may have read my blog about our fucking and sucking this week behind his back. She replied, "No way, I've never told him how to find it." I asked, "Doesn't he read your texts when you go to sleep?" She confessed, "Yes, he does..." Now he reads aloud her texts from customers in front of me... My psychiatrist warned me, "You're not paranoid when they're really out to get you..."

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