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The Secret Life of Preggies

3 months without sex, is the story most guys hear when their lady is pregnant -- if they're lucky it's only 3 months.

I got that speech this week. Not a happy camper, but at least I have options unlike many poor saps.

Imagine my shock and awe when my preggie announced she was gittin busy with the masturbation -- without ME.

TWICE today. Different times. Once to go back to sleep, another just cuz she was bored.

No vibrator, just fingers. No porn. No fantastic voyage, just pure horniness.

5 minutes to orgasm clean and sober, unlike her previous 1-hour on opiates with a tongue or vibrator.*

DAMN I want me a piece of dat...in 3 months. Promised me first dibs.

At least she's inviting me over to "play" tomorrow before BF comes home...

*She's also quit escorting...so long as her sugardaddys and BF keep up payments. So now she's experiencing a deficit of fucking for the first time in years... But she's also exhibiting a deficit in touching, hugging and kissing, so sugardaddys are bailing fast... Who wants to buy BF's cigarettes and pay his bills, or hers, without physical or emotional compensations? Welcome to the Sexless Touchless Emotionless Moneypit Friend Rescued From Hell Zone.

How to Have Alternative Sex in Pregnancy in 12 Steps

"Traditional sex" (penis-in-vagina) is contraindicated in certain pregnancies where the woman has a history of problems during the pregnancy such as a risk of premature delivery. These problems may include miscarriages, premature labor, bleeding during pregnancy.

  1. Avoid anal sex. The anal canal is blood rich and anal sex can disturb the soft tissues of the anal canal and cause bleeding from the anus. There are also greater concerns of sexually transmitted infections associated with anal sex.
  2. Use a condom. Condoms are not just for pregnancy prevention but can be used also during pregnancy to prevent infections and prevent sperm from entering the vagina. Discuss with your doctor if you can make love if he uses a condom.
  3. Oral sex for her. There are no contraindications regarding the pregnant female receiving oral sex. If there is a concern of infection, dental dam can be used to increase the safety of oral sex.
  4. Oral sex for him. The female can perform oral sex on the male as she pleases during pregnancy. Again, if transmission of infection is a concern, the female can use a condom created for oral sex. These condoms do not have the normal lubricants used during intercourse.
  5. Swallowing after oral sex. Swallowing semen during pregnancy is allowable as long as the partner does not have any sexually transmitted diseases. In the case of infection, use an oral sex condom.
  6. Self masturbation. The safest and most comfortable form of sex during pregnancy when intercourse is not allowed is self masturbation. This involves clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation or both.
  7. Joint masturbation. For partners who want to experience the passion of sex without physical intercourse, both partners can mutually masturbate. Joint masturbation may not be as sensuous as physical sex but it is a safe way to enjoy each other's company in an intimate light.
  8. Toys and sex. Sex toys can be used during pregnancy as long as the toys do not cause harm to the cervix or the vagina. Using external toys increases the risk of infection, so both parties need to make sure the toys are disinfected before and after each use.
  9. Increased blood flow and irritation. Due to the increased blood flow to the vagina, irritation can occur during sex. Using proper lubricants during intercourse will prevent irritation and potential bleeding from occurring. There can be some sensitivity to certain lubricants as well. If sensitivity is found, the female will need to stop using that lubrication until after the pregnancy.
  10. Cuts and knicks to the vagina. Due to the increase sensitivity of the vagina, any touch to the inside of the vagina needs to be aided with lubricant. Fingernails must also be trimmed close to avoid knicking the vagina. There is cause to believe that calluses on the hands can also cause irritation to the vagina in some cases. These irritations can lead to cuts that can become infected.
  11. Orgasms and sparking labor. The female orgasm releases oxytocin into the blood stream of the pregnant woman. Though this oxytocin is the similar to the drug the obstetrician may use to spark labor in the hospital and use after labor to help shrink the uterus back to normal size, there is inusfficient evidence that it actually increases your chances going into labor. If you are at risk of premature labor you should discuss this with your doctor.
  12. Use of alternative body part. Be creative and use alternative body parts like your armpits or breats to help him have an orgasm.

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