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Have a very naughty Christmas

$60-Million Man$30-Million Man Jeff Dunham does divorce and marries a fitness model, Walter kills himself by Controlled Chaos

Last night I spent time with 20-year old 5-foot 3-inch 110-pound brunette nude model/schoolgirl dressed and undressed as Santa's little helper, AND a 20-year-old 5-foot 2-inch 105-pound blonde hottie ex-stripper nude model UTR escort porn star -- Miss Lovely. First nude shoot and fuck since The Divorce (roll emphatic music).

Not too shabby for a 50-year-youngster.

But first I dine out with the Hooters Girls TM.

48 Boobies

Two dozen hotties in sexy Xmas lingerie bending over forwards to serve you...how's that to get in the mood?

Don't worry, most don't wear that much.

Did you know you can do your Xmas shopping at Hooters TM?

Hotel 1: Nude model

Note to All: Christmas shopping is a lot more fun when shopping for lingerie, bras, panties and stillettos for hot nude models.

My date with a nude model is for 8 pm. Facebook and text messaging are great inventions, other than tracking by Big Sis. I call my sexual service provider for an 11 pm appointment. Tesla is The Man!

My nude model texts that she's running late, as usual. No problem. I'm glad she's showing up at all, since she almost never showed for class. Somehow she motivated the professor to pass her anyway.

I call my fuck buddie and request a midnight date. Good to go.

My model shows up to the notel and we go over the game plan -- modeling some sexy Christmas lingere, then retiring to the bed for some "artistic nude" boudoir shots. (smirk)

She promptly strips off all her clothes. I like that in a woman. We choose her first outfit and she begins modeling beside the Xmas tree. I tweak the strobes and we get to work. The clothes fall off, shoot, change outfits, shoot, repeat. Fun with candy canes -- she says it's too small (!).

Found a new use for gaffer tape -- pasties! It's a tough job being a nude photographer, but by God somebody's gotta do it.

Got some hot implied art nudes.

We talk about life during school break, visiting family in loonybins, alcoholic SOs and fucking. Lots in common. Having fun romping on the bed, talking and shooting. Got some amazing shots. We really nailed it. She didn't want to leave after our 2 hours were up. I guess drunk BFs aren't so great after all?

But as much as I was enjoing myself, I had to kick a naked model out of my bed and into the cold. I tell her my fuck buddy is waiting for me. She hopes I don't get robbed, or diseased. I thank her for her concern. May I call her for bail money? We hug. I give her an Xmas gift of chocolates and green. Another date next month. Goodbye.

Lots of glitter for maidservice to clean up.

On to the fuck buddy. That's the secret to being a nude photog -- its mandatory to get laid afterwards ASAP.

Hotel 2: A midnight bootycall

I'm late. My fuckbuddy texts BYO safety. Fuck.

The standard Trojan was recommended by a midnight shopper while standing in line at the Booty Call 24/7 store. No extra large available.

I drive to the sleazy side of town, anticipating my next Christmas present.

We meet and greet for the first time. She immediately tells me to let her see my manhood, to prove I'm not a pussy (vice). I strip and show her my wang, which she immediately grabs hold of. I like that in a woman.

I apologize for my delay at the hands of a nubile nude model, thank her for her understanding, hand her an Xmas gift of chocolates and make a donation to her empty stocking fund.

She strips. Amazing body!

I ask and receive a back massage, to relieve the stress from my strenuous modeling shoot.

Show time. I ask her to leave her glasses on, for that "slutty schoolgirl look."

She begins with an amazing BBBJ. Very smooth mouth results in very hard dick. She says it's imposssible to deep throat me, "because she can only do that with smaller dicks." Ha.

Safety first. She applies the Trojan, but informs me that the condom is too small. By golly she's right. I render assistance, but its a dangerously tight fit. I'll take one for the team and man up. No pain no gain.

She explained that some of her patrons are "the width of a Big Gulp cup," some kind of "sudden medical issue." Note to self -- increase copper intake.

We did get it on and had an awesome fuck.

Cowgirl while tickling her toes.

Sitting cowgirl sucking her fine young titties.

Mish tha dish.

Massaging her fine back, legs and ass while fucking her doggie style to orgasms.

Nice tramp stamp -- I'll forever have naughty thoughts of Tinker Bell. Felt good to feel 30 years younger!

XOXO. She shows off her perfect pedi as I massage her feet, then her immaculate mani as I massage her soft hands. She begs me to bring lube and massage oil to our next play date. Her professional advice is to upgrade to Magnum size. Thank ye Amazon!

She invites me to cum play with her and her horny girl friends.

Lesbian love or all for me, either way, my choice.

I look forward to my next date with my slutty little schoolgirl, and her horny girlfriends.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fuck.

PS: The next week my nude model got morning sickness and a proposal (accepted).

Best Condoms For Thick Penises

By: Sarah Eisenberg

Finding the best condoms for thick penises is no doubt a challenging affair.

Putting a standard size condom on a thick penis can be both uncomfortable and dangerous. There is a greater chance the condom will rip or break, and protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases will be significantly compromised. The average condom is approximately 1.75 inches to 2 inches wide, so you'll want to look for something slightly roomier. A thick penis is generally said to have a girth (or circumference) of 5 inches or more, so if you fit the bill, you can use this list to help you find some of the best condoms for thick penises.

Trojan Magnum XL Condoms Specifically tailored for thick penises, these condoms are 30% wider than the average condom and have the widest head measurement of any latex condom. They measure 2.7 inches at the head, 2.12 inches at the shaft, and 2 inches at the base. They are over 8 inches in length, so they may not work for men whose penises are not especially long.

Trojan Magnum Large Size Condoms These latex condoms are 2.5 inches at the head, 2.25 inches at the shaft, and 2 inches at the base. They are slightly narrower than the Trojan Magnum XL condoms, but be warned- they are also over 8 inches long.

Durex PleasureMAX Condoms These condoms measure about 2.4 inches at the head, and 2 inches at the base and shaft. They are latex and built for maximum comfort.

Trojan NaturaLamb Condoms Looking for something other than latex? These extra- wide condoms are made from natural lambskin membrane and are 2.8 inches wide up and down. Be aware that these condoms will only prevent pregnancy and DO NOT protect against HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.

Durex XXL The Durex XXL condom is designed to fit thick penises. They are about 2.13 inches wide and are made of latex.

Crown Color Condoms If you want to add some pizzaz to your protection, give these condoms a whirl. They are 2.16 inches wide and come in red, blue, green, and yellow. They are made of latex and are also extra thin for increased sensation.

Trustex Extra Large Condoms At 2.25 inches up and down, these latex condoms are extra wide and a great fit for thick penises.

Durex Love Condoms Not only are these condoms 2.25 inches at the head and 2.125 inches at the shaft and base, they are also extra lubricated and extra thin. Kimono MicroThin Large Condoms These latex condoms measure 2.34 inches wide at the head and 2.05 inches at the shaft and base. They are borderline sheer, being about 25-40% thinner than the average condom.

Trojan Magnum Twister These new latex condoms are part of Trojan's line of large condoms and are designed for thick penises that may want a little twist! They have a special shape and texture which helps increase both partners' pleasures. There is extra room at the 2.5 inch head, and they are tapered at the base for maximum comfort and fit.

While the unifying factor between all of the best condoms for thick penises is their additional width and/or stretch, remember to take other key factors into consideration when shopping around. For optimal fit and safety, make sure the condom is not too long or short for your penis. Also remember to check its effectiveness against pregnancy and STDs, some are less reliable than others.

Get The Most In Pleasure And Protection With This Condom Size Chart

The Condom Size Chart At The Bottom Of This Page Shows You The Best Fit For Maximum Pleasure

Before we get to the chart, let me explain how to use it. If you are buying condoms without regard to the size of your penis, you are risking pregnancy, disease, and diminshed pleasure. The most pleasurable condoms are condoms that fit snugly, but not too tight. If they are too tight, they will break. If they are too loose, they will slide off.

The Condom Conspiracy

What the condom marketers don't want you to know is that the length of a condom does not matter. Condoms are very strong when you stretch them length-wise. Their weakness is when you stretch their width. That is how condoms should be chosen - by width.

An Engineering Wonder

For the maximum pleasure, you'll also want to choose a thin condom. A few select condom manufacturers have figured out how to engineer ultra thin condoms that are stronger than most of the condoms out there according to Consumer Reports. It's pretty simple - thinner, stronger condoms mean more pleasure at the same time you are getting better protection from pregnancy and disease. In the case of the Crown Skinless Skins, they are about 50% thinner than the average condom. That's why they are consistently ranked #1.

The first chart below shows the 5 best condoms in the world by size, and the next chart shows what size category the rest of the condoms fit in.

Which Size Is Best For You?

To see which one might fit you best, check how big around your penis is at the largest point. If you are around 5 inches, go with the "regular" condoms that are 2 inches wide (the width is measured on flat condoms - it is not the circumference).

If you are less than 5 inches around, go with "snug" condoms that are about 1.75 inches wide.

If you are bigger than 5 inches around, check out the large or "magnum" sized condoms that are more than 2 inches wide.

If you need more headroom, take a look at the condoms that have extra headroom at the bottom of the chart below.

Enter coupon code UNDERCOVER in the instructions section of the order form to save $5 on your order of $30 or more.

click link to see chart

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